Hey everyone, I’ve been thinking about this whole “who should make the first move” thing in Christian dating.
While I totally respect the biblical principle of male leadership in relationships, I sometimes wonder if we’re being too rigid about who can initiate that first conversation or show initial interest. From my experience, some of the most genuine connections I’ve had started when a girl felt comfortable enough to express interest first, without all the pressure and pretense that sometimes comes with traditional pursuing.
When there’s no agenda and you’re just being yourself, I feel like that’s when real, authentic connections can form. Whether it’s the guy or the girl who takes that first step. I believe God can work through either person to start something beautiful, as long as both hearts are in the right place and following His guidance.
Am I alone on this? Should I just wait for the guy to make the first move as a Christian?
23 Likes
Let Us Pray For You
Your prayer matters. Have thousands of Christians around the world offer a prayer on your behalf. Our unique prayer submission will spread your prayer to Churches, Shrines, prayer groups and holy sites around the world.
Submit your prayer here.
1 Like
Look, I’m gonna be real here it’s kind of ironic how some women at my church will stand around in groups after service chatting while the guys are stacking chairs and cleaning up (literally like a 9:1 ratio of men to women helping), yet these same women expect the guy to take ALL the initiative in dating… like maybe showing some initiative in serving could be practice for showing initiative in relationships?
When we get too caught up in rigid roles about who should lead or initiate, we sometimes miss what our guardian angels might be trying to show us through the other person. I once saw a relationship fall apart because she expected him to automatically know how to ‘lead’ her spiritually after just a few weeks of dating, which seemed really unfair and unrealistic.
Christian relationships (just like ANY relationships really) work best when both people can communicate openly and figure things out together, rather than one person having to guess what the other needs. Maybe God works through whoever is brave enough to take that first step, whether it’s the man or woman, as long as both hearts are seeking Him together.
Honestly, I don’t see why it matters who reaches out first.
If God puts someone on her heart to connect with (and she’s prayed about it), why shouldn’t she follow that leading? It doesn’t change who they are as people.
A confident woman approaching a man she’s interested in doesn’t suddenly make him weak or her unfeminine; that’s just outdated thinking. What matters is that both people are seeking God’s will for their relationship (however it starts and whoever makes the first move).
The person who initiates conversation isn’t necessarily claiming spiritual authority. Sometimes God uses the bolder one to bring two shy hearts together, just as He used my outgoing nature to help my now-husband open up about his faith when we first met.
Lead us not by might or power, but by Your Spirit, Lord whether you speak first or he does, what matters is that both hearts are seeking Him above all else.
Who makes the first move matters way less than how the relationship develops afterward plenty of godly marriages started with the woman expressing interest first, but the husband still stepped into spiritual leadership once they were together.
There’s a huge difference between initiating a conversation and trying to control the entire relationship dynamic. I think we sometimes confuse biblical leadership roles in marriage with dating ‘rules’ that aren’t actually in Scripture.
Women need to feel safe making the first move Trust and respect are everything Create those safe spaces for real connections Amen!
This can vary a lot across cultures. For instance, in some European countries, dating norms are much more relaxed, and women making the first move is very common, whereas in certain Asian cultures, traditional roles are more strict.
I don’t know if this is so much a Christian dating problem as a cultural one.
I think Ruth’s example with Boaz shows us something beautiful: there’s wisdom in being clear about your interest while still maintaining healthy boundaries.
A woman expressing interest by sharing her number or simply saying ‘I’d love to get to know you better’ can be both honoring and intentional. Beyond that, though, I believe we’re called to patience and letting things unfold naturally. It protects both hearts involved and leaves room for God to work in His timing.
If a sister in Christ feels led to welcome godly attention, she might offer subtle signs like sustained eye contact during fellowship or a warm smile that reflects Christ’s light. But we must remember she’s taking a risk, as wolves often disguise themselves among the sheep.
This is why I believe God calls us to meet potential partners in places where His presence is already at work: Bible studies, worship nights, service projects, hiking groups that pray together. When we pursue activities that glorify Him alongside other believers, we’re already on holy ground where genuine connections can grow. The enemy has less foothold in spaces dedicated to building the Kingdom.
Even if you don’t immediately find your Proverbs 31 woman, you’ll be sharpening iron with iron through godly friendships. And often, it’s through these trusted brothers and sisters that God introduces us to our future spouse; people who’ve seen your character in action and can vouch for your walk with Christ.
Yes, anyone making the first move sounds progressive and empowering.
But in communities where tradition runs deep, where roles have been carved in stone for generations, this shift isn’t just uncomfortable. It’s revolutionary. And revolutions? They create friction.
When a woman leads in these spaces, it’s not seen as confident. It’s seen as transgression. And that perception? It ripples through entire communities, creating divides we didn’t intend to build.
You know… I’ve been praying about this actually… and honestly… I think it would be such a blessing if a woman felt led to approach first… There’s something really beautiful about that kind of courage… especially when it comes from a place of faith… I’d be so honored…
I think while male leadership is definitely important in Christian relationships, initiating contact doesn’t necessarily go against those principles.
What really matters is that both people are committed to keeping God at the center of their relationship. I’ve seen some beautiful relationships start when the woman felt led to make the first move and honestly, sometimes those connections felt more genuine because there wasn’t all this pressure about who ‘should’ do what.
We follow His rules in scripture. Anything else is man-made.
I think when we’re following the Holy Spirit’s guidance, He can work through either person to start something meaningful. If you feel called to express interest and your heart is in the right place, I don’t see why that would be wrong.
I actually think the bigger issue isn’t who initiates, but how clear we are about our intentions I’ve noticed that what some guys interpret as ‘her making the first move’ is often just a woman being friendly and cordial, which creates this whole mess of mixed signals that could be avoided if we all just communicated more directly regardless of gender.
If you’re feeling prompted by the Holy Spirit to reach out to someone, and your heart is in the right place, I don’t think you should hold back just because of traditional expectations.
I remember feeling conflicted about this myself, wanting to respect traditional roles while also feeling led to be more proactive. I think the heart behind the action matters so much more than who makes the first move. If you’re both committed to your faith and seeking to build something Christ-centered, the exact mechanics of how it starts seem less important than where you’re both headed together. Trust your discernment and let the Spirit guide you!
There’s divine wisdom in men stepping forward to pursue and women responding with grace. I’ve witnessed the most flourishing relationships emerge when couples honor this dynamic, not from rigid rules but from understanding how we’re designed to complement each other.
When men lead with intention and women respond with discernment, both are freed to be fully themselves within God’s beautiful design for romance.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’m realizing just how much emotional intelligence it takes to really handle these moments. I question if I have what it takes sometimes those strong communication skills that seem so important. There’s this delicate process of reading someone else’s comfort level, trying to sense what they’re feeling without overstepping.
I catch myself second guessing: am I responding the right way? Am I picking up on the subtle cues? It’s something I know I haven’t fully explored or understood yet, and that uncertainty sits with me.
I actually think it’s fine when women make the first move look at Ruth approaching Boaz at the threshing floor! These days, many of us guys are so worried about coming across as inappropriate that we end up not approaching at all.
What makes it tricky in Christian circles is trying to balance this with verses like Ephesians 5:23 about husbands being the head of the wife. It leaves everyone confused about who should initiate what. And honestly, it doesn’t help that people aren’t always upfront about their intentions ‘Above all else, guard your heart’ (Proverbs 4:23) sometimes becomes an excuse to be unclear about what we actually want in a relationship.