When I first started dating as a Christian, I made the common mistake of treating relationships like they existed in their own special category with different rules. I learned that treating potential partners first as brothers and sisters in Christ helped maintain proper boundaries and respect. The tendency to blur lines because “we’re dating” led to regrets I could have avoided.
Looking back, I realized how important it was for men to take spiritual leadership rather than defaulting to passivity in relationships (which SO many seem to do). Setting both emotional and physical boundaries early on proved essential, not just for purity but for protecting both people’s hearts.
Keeping God as the priority, rather than the relationship itself, helped prevent compromising on values just to maintain harmony with my partner.
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I used to convince myself that I was interested in certain women because dating them would somehow strengthen my faith or help me serve God better. The truth was, I just found them attractive and wanted to sound spiritual about it both to myself and to others in my church community.
It wasn’t until a relationship fell apart and my supposed ‘stronger pursuit of God’ vanished with it that I realized I’d been using faith as window dressing for regular attraction.
I wish I’d been more honest about my actual motivations instead of trying to spiritualize normal romantic interest.
Everything I need to know about finding my partner is found in scripture.
How did you handle it when your church community started treating you like a married couple before you were even engaged?
I actually think the whole ‘men must lead spiritually’ thing gets misunderstood and creates unnecessary pressure.
My wife and I take turns leading devotions and prayer because we both have different spiritual gifts. Sometimes she hears from God more clearly on certain issues, and forcing me to always ‘lead’ would have stifled what the Holy Spirit was doing through her.
Leadership in marriage looks more like mutual submission than one person always being in charge.
I still cringe thinking about how I used to approach physical boundaries as this checklist of what was ‘allowed’ rather than asking myself what would truly honor God and the person in front of me.
I was so focused on technical rules that I missed how even holding hands could become selfish if I was using it to feed my own need for validation rather than expressing genuine care. That shift from ‘how far can we go’ to ‘how can I best love this person as Christ loves them’ changed everything about how I approached physical touch in dating.
Being ‘equally yoked’ goes way deeper than I initially thought. Early on, I assumed dating another Christian was enough, but I discovered that spiritual maturity and commitment levels matter just as much. I dated someone who identified as Christian but wasn’t really walking it out daily, and that mismatch created so much tension.
I wish I’d understood how valuable my single years were. Instead of constantly searching for ‘the one,’ I learned to embrace that season as a gift to grow closer to God. When I finally shifted my focus to deepening my faith rather than finding a partner, it’s amazing how God used that time to prepare me for a healthier relationship later.
I also learned the hard way about keeping things real instead of getting caught up in the romance fantasy. Some of my best relationship insights came from doing mundane things together: grocery shopping, running errands, just normal life stuff. It showed me way more about compatibility than all those perfect dinner dates ever did.
And yes to boundaries! I used to think setting boundaries meant I didn’t trust God or my partner, but I realized it’s actually about honoring God and protecting both of us. Having those conversations early, even when they felt awkward, saved us from so much heartache.
The game changer for me was learning to be completely transparent about spiritual goals and life direction. When my partner and I started praying together about our future instead of just assuming we were on the same page, it changed everything. Those honest conversations about faith, ministry, and calling helped us build something real on a solid foundation.
The hardest lesson for me was learning to have those money conversations early on (which felt SO unromantic at the time) because financial stewardship is actually a huge part of living out our faith together.
Different views on tithing, debt, and generosity can create massive friction later if you just assume you’re aligned.
