Selfishness in the bedroom is what stands opposed to love, not hate.
Two things. No animals, no one outside your spouse. That’s where the actual biblical prohibitions land when you strip away everything else.
Does something degrade or harm your spouse? If yes, avoid it. If no, pray about it together and communicate. Say something when it doesn’t feel right, or when you sense God isn’t honored in the act.
Song of Solomon is good to look at here. It describes what God blesses in the marital bedroom in a lot more detail than people usually notice.
That communication part is harder than it sounds. Being comfortable enough to say ‘this doesn’t work for me’ out loud to the person you’re supposed to be most open with takes time to build. Years, sometimes.
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The absence of conviction is the signal.
My wife and I explore freely, and in all these years I have never once felt that check in my spirit about any of it. One man, one woman, mutual delight. That’s the framework, and the framework is the part Scripture spells out. The rest gets filled in by two people who are committed to each other and paying attention to the Spirit.
A lot of folks want a list. A yes column and a no column, so they never have to sit with the discomfort of discerning it themselves.
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Privacy. Keep the marriage bed between the two of you. No recording or sharing details with the group chat, and don’t joke about your spouse’s body unless they’ve said it’s okay.
Never in the moment. That was the big one. We learned to have these talks fully clothed, over breakfast, coffee in hand, when nobody’s heart is racing.
It was cowardice dressed up in Bible verses.
I came into marriage with a mental list, and I’m not proud of where it came from. I think I wanted rules mostly so I’d never have to sit through an awkward conversation with my wife. A list meant I could be right without ever asking her what she wanted or didn’t want.
Took me way longer than it should have to see it. And I still catch myself going for a rule when a question would do.
The test for us ended up being pretty simple: did it stay between us, and did it feel good for the marriage as a whole?
We got there slowly. Lots of checking in with each other, and we only kept doing the stuff that left us both feeling connected instead of vaguely off afterward. The Song of Solomon parts about enjoying each other’s bodies gave us some room to breathe, different touches, different positions, without picking apart every detail beforehand.
We weren’t on the same page at first, not even close.
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