I’ve read a ‘7 Signs You’re Dating Well’ list, felt like a spiritual genius, and then couldn’t remember a single sign by dinner.
My take: those sites are snack food. Reading an article alone gets you a nice little ‘mm, true.’ Reading it with your partner and asking which one made you squirm is a whole different thing.
The big thing an article can’t do is notice you. It can’t catch you getting defensive about money or skipping the ‘what if your job moves states’ talk. A mentor who’s watched you for two years will spot that from across the church parking lot. Iron sharpens iron, but a listicle is more like a foam pool noodle.
So my test is: did this resource push me toward Scripture or toward a real person who knows me? If it gave me a warm fuzzy and then evaporated, it was the pool noodle.
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Dated someone from a different denomination for almost a year, so take this for what it’s worth. If you’re not open to their faith tradition, you’re setting both of you up for heartbreak, no matter how wonderful they are.
And he was wonderful. Best boyfriend I ever had, a true gentleman. We couldn’t align on some core doctrines, and that meant one of us would eventually have to compromise something vital. Neither of us could.
My two cents: figure out the non-negotiables early, and be honest with yourself about what those are.
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Be careful with “God told me” language while you’re dating.
A guy I dated told me over coffee that he had prayed about it and had peace that we were going to be married. I sat there feeling like disagreeing with him meant disagreeing with the Lord. My pastor’s wife told me “his peace isn’t your assignment” and I was allowed to not feel the same way.
We ended things a few months later.
So say what you think and want out loud, and let God be big enough to handle the two of you sorting it out slowly. I still think he meant well. He never asked me what I had peace about.
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Decide the boundaries early. That’s the part no one told me until someone finally did, and I still thank God for them. Doing it before the emotions got loud changed everything.
Holiness became a shared act of love and self-control.
I’d start with group stuff at church. The daily life thing makes sense, but serving together shows you how someone handles pressure when other people are watching.
Volunteering at an event that goes sideways, say. You see their patience. It doesn’t feel like you’re playing house already.
Guard the direction of the home more than the romance.
So, my question is this: who is walking with the two of you besides your own feelings? I’m not talking about friends or family running the relationship for you. I mean whether the wise people who know your character are seeing peace and maturity in you both.
And ask the practical things. Church life, children, hospitality, vocation. Ask them early, before your hearts are too entangled to answer. They entangle faster than anyone expects.
Trust that God has the best in mind for you. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” The people meant to impact your life will show up on your path without you stressing about finding them.
Be yourself. Approach the people you feel a connection with, and know that not every date leads to romance and not every romance is the one.
Pray for guidance and stop trying to figure out God’s plan before he reveals it.
Write it down.
We’d talked about physical boundaries maybe three or four times before that, and every single time we walked away thinking we were on the same page. We finally sat down and wrote it out, including what’s okay and what’s not and when we need to call it a night. And suddenly there was no more ‘well, I thought you meant.’
Something about ink. It made it real in a way talking never did. We keep ours tucked in the back of a journal. Harder to rationalize your way around something when it’s sitting right there in front of you both.
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Don’t marry someone you wouldn’t hire as a personal assistant or trust with power of attorney over your bank account.
The Puritans used to watch how someone handled household work and family crises before committing. “We both love Jesus” doesn’t help much when bills are due and a kid’s sick at 2 a.m.
I learned this the hard way about twenty years ago. The qualities that hold a marriage together, like steadiness and dependability, are easy to miss when dating is all coffee dates and good behavior. You only see how they handle pressure when it hits.
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I made a criteria list years ago. A man who puts God first and fears Him. One who draws me closer. Those were never negotiable. Everything else, I told myself I could bend on, and eventually I was swiping on anyone who seemed nice rather than anyone who matched what I had prayed for.
Then I met someone who checked every single box on that list. God had been holding out for exactly what I asked for, while I had been settling because I couldn’t wait.
The clock gets loud in your late twenties and louder in your thirties, and it will drown out what you know about His timing if you let it.
Keep the list somewhere you can see it.
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