I found myself in a wonderful relationship last year, and while things were going great with my partner, I kept feeling this pull to learn from others who’d walked this path before. Having experienced both the joys and challenges of dating as a Christian, I’d love to hear your practical wisdom on navigating relationships while keeping faith at the center - what worked for you, what didn’t, and what you wish someone had told you when you were starting out?
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When my husband and I were dating, we figured a godly relationship meant scheduling devotionals together and praying on the phone every night. We were exhausted and kind of performing for each other.
Things got healthier (for both of us) when we stopped trying to make every moment a mini church service and let our faith show up in how we treated each other and how we fought.
Let God’s love show in your love. Not the performative act of how you think you’re supposed to be performing.
I dated a guy before my husband who could quote Scripture for days and lead a Bible study like nobody’s business, but he was dismissive to waitresses and got weirdly cold whenever I disagreed with him. My husband was awkward praying out loud. He was also patient and showed up when he said he would. He’s the one who reflected Christ. The other practical thing (this is where I sound like everyone’s mom): talk about the physical stuff early and be specific.
Saying something like ‘we want to honor God’ is a sentiment, not a plan. Decide what your actual boundaries are and say them out loud when you’re both clear-headed. Then don’t put yourselves in situations at night where you’re relying on willpower. That’s just knowing yourself. You’re a year in, so you probably know some of this already.
Good luck, you’ve got this <3
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Being unsure about a relationship is not a problem.
When I started dating my partner, we were in a church where dating was basically the on-ramp to engagement.
Six weeks in, people were already asking about a ring. All that pressure to define everything early almost pushed us into decisions we were not ready for. It took us a while to figure out we could just date for a season and let things stay unsettled. Having two or three older people who actually knew us was probably the most useful thing we did. We told those couples, who had been married a long time, to go ahead and say the hard things.
One of them noticed early on that I got weirdly defensive whenever she brought up my spending. So we knew we needed to have that conversation well before any wedding. Talk about the hard stuff sooner than feels comfortable: theology, how you each grew up thinking about gender roles, kids, church attendance, and especially money. One of the leading causes for relationships failing is money, communication and (you guessed it) communication about money).
Finding out you disagree on something big at month four is a lot easier than month fourteen. Some of that depends on who you have around you in the first place, which is kind of where I started.
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Dating is discernment.
You can care deeply for someone, pray about it together, and still come to see that the relationship needs to end. Staying out of guilt doesn’t make it more faithful. Neither does the time you’ve put in or the fact that you’ve talked about a future.
The other thing I’d watch closely is how you both handle a no. Physical boundaries or the pace of things (for example). A healthy partner can hear a limit without sulking or sounding spiritually suspect. Boundaries are an ongoing conversation. You revisit them as needed instead of signing off on them once and never bringing them up again.
And don’t read every strong feeling as God’s direction. Attraction and excitement are good, but you still need clarity and peace alongside them. Give your decisions enough time to make them freely, without fear or pressure weighing on your chest.
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“We’re both Christians” is a starting point.
Two people can share a faith and still end up in completely different places on church involvement, marriage roles, raising kids, money, and what happens when a career pulls one way while family pulls the other.
I don’t think this is always a problem, but it does need to be discussed. Clearly and openly. Those conversations prevent a lot of painful assumptions later. Ask what faith looks like in the life they’re hoping to build, then be straight about your own answers, even if you’re worried something incompatible will come up. You need to know which differences you can live with and which ones turn into constant friction.
And a huge green flag in Christian dating for me would be **humility.**A rare trait these days.
Someone who can say “I haven’t really thought that through” or “I don’t know, but I’m willing to learn” is usually safer than the person with a confident verse ready for every topic.
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The “sentiment, not a plan” line is basically the whole thesis of Sex, Dating, and Relationships by Gerald Hiestand, which helped us get specific.
The part about how someone handles a no is what finally clarified things for me (took two years, unfortunately).
When I was dating my husband, I told him once that I wasn’t comfortable with how late he was staying over. He said okay and grabbed his keys. That was the end of it. I’d spent the evening bracing for a fight, so I went to bed kind of stunned.
That was exactly when I knew I could relax around him.
We revisited ours more times than I can count over two years. Sometimes we tightened them, sometimes we admitted we’d been too rigid about something silly. Every one of those talks made me more grateful for him. Being able to bring up a limit at any point without someone acting like your faith is shaky is a big deal. I still think about that night with the keys sometimes.
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That was the one item on your list I thought didn’t apply to us. We’d talked about church and kids. We’d even done the awkward money conversation with a spreadsheet open between us. But I never asked what happens when his job wants him in another state and my parents are forty minutes from where we live now.
I figured since we agreed on everything else, we’d agree on that too. We didn’t.
I’ve had to admit I skipped it on purpose. Some part of me knew his answer might be different from mine and I didn’t want to hear it while things were good. Figured we’d cross that bridge when we got there… We got there. It was a hard bridge.
The topics on that list aren’t equally easy to bring up, not even close. The one you notice yourself avoiding is probably the one you need to have.
Oh, that’s exactly what I’ve been looking for! 
Turning intentions into clear boundaries and shared expectations is where I struggle most. I mean well, but that doesn’t give either of us anything concrete to work with. Thanks for the rec.
Look for the consistent things, not the one-off moments. Things like church involvement and accountability, plus how someone acts when they’re not trying to impress you. Especially that last one.
Talk to church leaders who’ve known them for a while, not just a semester. This video could be useful since you’re asking about keeping faith at the center. It goes into how to tell if someone is equally yoked or just doing Christianity on Sundays. I liked the point that character and real commitment to God matter more than how you met.
Meeting through an app doesn’t really say much either way. The delivery is pretty blunt, but the standards are concrete, which helps you catch things early rather than letting them go unnoticed for months.
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Good on you for asking while things are still going well. Most people wait until something’s already broken and by that point it’s usually too late for the relationship.
The people around your relationship matter almost as much as the person you’re dating. In community, you see real character over time, like humility or pride, or self-control versus impulse. Watch how he treats his family or friends when he’s tired or stressed. That told me more than any of our good conversations.
Don’t just keep the cheerleaders. You need the friends who know your weak spots and will say the inconvenient thing anyway. One of mine once asked why I’d stopped bringing up a certain topic. Annoying, but fair. You don’t have to wait for a ring to do pre-engagement counseling. It’s normal, and the point is to figure out what’s actually driving you both before you’ve sunk years into it. Ask at your church for someone trained in SYMBIS. Plenty don’t charge. The research backs it up, especially the faith-based versions.
We did ours six months before the engagement. Half of it was boring, but the other half surfaced two things we’d both been avoiding.
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Have the conversation on a calm Tuesday.
There’s a version that sounds very godly but is really just hiding. Conflict feels unloving, so you swallow it and call it forgiveness. That’s avoidance with a nicer label. I did that for a year and a half and thought I was being patient. Ephesians 4 doesn’t tell us to stop being angry, it assumes we will be and tells us to handle it without sin and not let it fester.
You can’t schedule an argument, but you can plan for one. We asked each other how we want to be approached when something’s wrong. Turns out he needs twenty minutes alone first and I want it dealt with right now. Knowing that saved us from a lot of our worst moments. His silence used to feel like rejection to me. Now it just means twenty minutes. The other half is afterward. Repair matters as much as what happens before or during. Check in properly after, because the one who did most of the talking usually feels fine while the quieter one feels flattened.
I’m the quiet one… and it took me ages to say so.
Someone once put it to me this way. How a relationship lasts has more to do with how you handle each other’s pain than whether you avoid upsetting each other. Glad things are good with your partner. That’s exactly why now’s the time, while nothing’s riding on it.
One thing that doesn’t get talked about enough is seeing each other in ordinary life, not just on dates. Dates are when you’re both on your best behavior. Grocery runs or helping with a move on a Saturday- that’s when you really get to know someone.
A lot of Christian singles use faith-based apps now, so no need to feel weird about it. But many still want the connection to happen through church, small groups, or local ministry. The couples I’ve seen do this well usually meet on an app then move it into real community pretty quickly. App to find the person, church to hold the relationship up. Also, don’t put “future spouse” pressure on a first coffee. And if the apps have worn you down, get off them for a while. Nothing wrong with that and I think we’ve probably all been there.
The apps are probably not great for humanity and society in general but that’s not to say they can’t work. Most of my family are happily married for many years now and they all met through the apps. Heck, my mother has been married for over a decade now, and they met on Tinder! There can certainly be an element of people to avoid on apps like this and “hookup culture” is obviously not living by God but I don’t think there’s a problem with using the apps to meet someone spiritually minded.
Relationships drift if you let them. If things stall, make a call instead of letting it drag on for months because neither of you wants to bring it up. Not saying rush it, just don’t stay vague.
You sound like you’re paying attention, especially asking while things are going well.
Has anyone else wondered if the whole ‘stop looking and God will bring them to you’ thing actually works?
I get the heart behind it. You’re focused on building your life, serving Him, not making an idol out of finding someone, and that part clicks with me. But the logic falls apart the second you apply it anywhere else, doesn’t it? We don’t tell people to stop applying for jobs and wait for God to drop one in their lap while they’re not thinking about it.
Where your heart is matters more than whether you’re actively dating at all. Being busy with the things of God while also staying open to meeting someone, that’s how most married couples I know describe that season. I don’t see why those can’t coexist.
Skeptical. Sites like that always rub me wrong. The advice isn’t wrong, but packaged ‘Christian dating tips’ feel too neat and tidy, like someone flattened out something that’s way messier than an article can hold.
But I keep wondering if we lean too hard on external resources when we could be sitting with Scripture or with mentors who know us and our history. Has anyone found those sites helpful long-term, or does it feel helpful in the moment, that little hit of clarity that fades by Tuesday?
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The balance piece is what I wish someone had drilled into me earlier. My husband and I dated two years before getting engaged, and what made it work was having space. We kept our own friendships and hobbies, and our own rhythms. Dates once or twice a week, phone calls in between to say hi, but we weren’t glued to each other. That space let us miss each other.
I see couples who merge everything immediately and then wonder why things feel stale six months in.
Relax. My friends from conservative courting backgrounds took forever to figure this out, and watching them tie themselves in knots over a coffee date was rough.
The first few dates are about getting to know someone and seeing if you enjoy their company. You’re not determining whether they’re your God-ordained soulmate by the time dessert shows up.
So if you like someone, ask them out. There’s no quota to hit, and plenty of people worth meeting don’t get married in college.
Pre-engagement counseling, not pre-marital.
It sounds like overkill until you picture the alternative: ring on, families notified, deposits paid, then discovering you see money, kids, or in-laws differently. Calling it off at that point feels like setting off a bomb in the middle of everyone’s plans.
We did ten sessions with a pastor and his wife before the proposal. By the time we got engaged, there were almost no surprises left. (He still loads the dishwasher wrong, but that’s a different issue.)
Your timeline is between the two of you and God, not your parents or friends, and not strangers online pushing five-year waits or six-month engagements.
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